The Intern

"Is this what I'm supposed to do , is this how it is supposed to be" I muttered to myself as I made my way through the first week of Internship.

The bliss of making it through the universities and the sense of achievement of 'finally becoming a doctor' kept me all amped up.

But all my expectations began to be replaced by the harsh reality of the phase so called 'Internship' .

Since the beginning all I heard was " Interns go collect reports, fill in the dummy sheets, shift the patient to the ward, arrange for a wheelchair"...

The endless amount of paperwork, report collections , tiring night duties, patient discharges made me ponder when will I get to do the actual doctor work?.

Not to be all mellow and dramatic , I did learn quiet a few things . I would join sincerely for all the ward rounds...I mean most of them except when I'm not sent away for a report collection. And trust me this was the part that kept me going . Being able to discuss the patients diagnosis , the joy of answering the professors' rapid fire rounds and taking part in case discussions is what made me feel elated , made me feel alive. I  learnt the basic skills a health professional should know such as catheterization, Ryles tube insertion, I.V cannulation, first aid,suturing...

It all came at a cost though, like an operant conditioned reflex. On completion of all the scut work would be your reward of doing the 'actual doctor work' .

It's like finding a needle in a haystack.
Was I delusional to have unrealistic expectations about the things I would get to learn here.

I drew the conclusion that my peers too had the same view.

Interns are of a different breed. You're not there to being a complete doctor yet and you're not a student either. This transition phase leaves you baffled.

Unwinding the the working atmosphere..Being yelled at by your seniors for no fault of your own is not a very pleasant situation to be in. But what about being looked down upon and dismissed by each every staff in the hospital irrespective of the hierarchy.

Where did basic human etiquette go ,what about professionalism?.

It's like generational trauma that's being passed on with no one to question and no one to set boundaries .

Amidst all this chaos you feel like you've lost you've lost your essence of being a doctor. You feel like you've lost your purpose. You're so burnt out that you feel you've unlearnt whatever you've learnt the past five years.

It feels intimidating to be stepping out in the world where you are expected to know a lot of things. The bright side of it is that! This is not the end to your learning process, it's just an annoying little blip in your life that will make you feel doubtful about your future. And trust me Imposter syndrome is real . There is an air of uncertainity about your ability to being a doctor. Most people don't realise that you haven't unlocked your true potential in this experience. This is not an assessment of your life as a medico.

Ultimately what I realised is that you have to find your own way through the chaos.

No one will pave your path for you or offer medical knowledge on a platter.

Involve yourself in active learning no matter how weary you feel. Don't be shy to ask questions. Do not hesitate to ask your seniors to mentor you.

Go through the cases in your wards. Examine your patients!. The eyes can't see what the mind doesn't know.

You will have absolutely no idea what abnormal heart sounds are like unless you hear the normal one. Evidently so! It's difficult to get hold of that midsystolic murmur when your pediatrics professor asks you to auscultate . Nor will you be able to tell the difference between crepitations and rhonchi if you're unable to identify normal vesicular breath sounds.

The take home message would be to prioritise  upgrading your knowledge and skills over everything else.

And with that I conclude my first post 'The Intern '

This was my experience ,what's yours?. Feel free to comment .